Film Review: Lady in the Water (2006)

Bryce Dallas Howard

A loner finds a water nymph in a swimming pool? How did that pitch meeting go? “Okay imagine this, it’s like Splash! but on barbiturates!”

Should I see it?
It is M. Night Shamalamadingdong, so no.

Director/Writer: M. Night Shyamalan

Starring: Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard, Jeffrey Wright, Bob Balaban and Freddy Rodríguez

Rated PG-13 for imagery

When The Sixth Sense hit in 1999, M. Night Shamalamadingdong was quickly cited as being the next Spielberg. Thanks to self-indulgent, pompous, snore-fests like this outing, those breathless proclamations have been silenced. Honestly, who thought this was a good idea? A loner finds a water nymph in a swimming pool? How did that pitch meeting go? “Okay imagine this, it’s like Splash! but on barbiturates!

Cleveland Heep (Paul Giamatti), an apartment building superintendent with a name straight out of an undergrad creative writing assignment, finds the aforementioned nymph (Bryce Dallas Howard) in his swimming pool. She’s mystical and special and he’s a depressed mess. She needs his protection from a growling dog like lump in the grass that attacks her randomly as the film progresses. It turns out the watery tart is here to help a human write a book that will help save the world. Too bad she wasn’t showing up to help M. Night when he was writing the script.

Paul Giamatti Bryce Dallas Howard
So, this liquidy lass needs protecting because, as I mentioned, she is being threatened by the….. ………. ………. ……… ….lllllll llllllllllll llllllllllllllllll kkkkkkkllkklll llllll…

Sorry, I feel asleep on the keyboard. You’ll have to excuse me. This is cinematic melatonin.

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